


Just a Bit of Romance

by MuffinOfVillainyAndDoom



Series: KotFE - The Smuggler [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, I sincerely hope I've traumatized you all, Lana's descent into alcoholism continues, Poor Everyone, Poor Koth, Poor Lana, Poor Theron, Senya's revenge, Traumatized!Theron, Valkorion gives advice, Valkorion is judging you, Valkorion is such a troll, and your sex life, more than you wanted to know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinOfVillainyAndDoom/pseuds/MuffinOfVillainyAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The smuggler’s romantic relationship with her favorite SIS agent. There are a few… issues to work out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just a Bit of Romance

So it turned out Valkorion _was_ still sour about that dick joke. Or maybe it was the Santa Claus thing… Or maybe it was the millions of other things the smuggler does that piss him and everyone around her off.

It all started when our heroic Outlander tried to have some well-deserved sexy times with Theron.

After a team meeting (in which Scorpio was especially bitchy) the smuggler ambushed Theron in the hall, shoving him with a kiss into a storage room not far from the war room.

The agent leaned against the wall and she knelt, unzipping his pants. As she took him into her mouth, Theron threw his head back, moaning and…

And suddenly Valkorion stood austerely next to Theron, critiquing her technique.

She would have told him off if she could have.

Instead she choked.

 

* * *

 

 

While she failed to mention Valkorion’s presence last night, she decided to tell Theron when they next met at the cantina. Along with everyone else.

Because sharing is caring.

“Wait—he was watching us last night?!” Theron looked panicked and horrified.

“I’m always watching,” Valkorion reminded the smuggler unhelpfully.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset—you’re not the one who had to listen to his criticism and _helpful suggestions_.”

“Wait—was there something wrong with what I was doing?” asked Theron worriedly as Valkorion stared at him disdainfully.

“His stamina was not particularly impressive.”

“You were fine,” said the smuggler quickly.

“The fellatio— _that_ was especially poorly done. Utterly pitiful.” Valkorion shook his head disapprovingly.

“Mind you, I had half a mind to stop after the blow job…” said the smuggler ignoring the Emperor.

“Wait—he was watching us that early?!”

The smuggler gave her boyfriend a confused look. “…Yes?”

“And you still—“ He stuttered for a moment. “We went to your bedroom afterward!”

“Well I was hardly going to let Valkorion stop me from getting laid,” said the smuggler, sounding as if having sex with Theron while the spirit of an evil world devouring emperor watched was the most sensible course of action to take.

“Was it normal for him to slobber like that? He _is_ human is he not?” Valkorion mused to himself.

The Outlander turned her attention to apparition.

“You can’t make me choke _every_ time I perform oral sex on someone,” said the smuggler, “I’ll switch to Lana. No choke-able bits.”

She immediately regretted it as Valkorion turned to study the Sith Lord contemplatively.

Actually, she’ll stick with Theron. At least then she’ll know what to look out for, more or less. _Right?_

“And don’t mock my technique! I know what I’m doing,” she added.

Valkorion stared back at her impassively for a moment, then spoke, “I believe I saw the beginnings of a rash on your boy’s… appendage. It might be _wise_ to take him for a checkup.”

Then he disappeared.

“Out of curiosity, did Valkorion keep giving you instructions through it all,” asked Senya.

“Senya,” hissed Lana.

“Yep.”

“Ah.” The former Knight of Zakuul nodded as if this was expected.

Then again, the smuggler figured she would know.

“I think I threw up a little in my mouth,” muttered Koth.

“Although… some of his suggestions…” The smuggler turned to Theron.

“Nope,” said Theron.

Then he fled the cantina.

Lana sighed and grabbed two bottles from behind the bar. As Senya turned to Koth and decided to maliciously share details of her past sexcapades with Valkorion, the Sith Lord grabbed another two bottles because who was she kidding?

Meanwhile the smuggler listened to Senya’s stories carefully—because some of those moves were really creative. Especially the ones that utilized the Force, those were _really_ interesting!

 

* * *

 

 

The smuggler did, in fact take Theron to see a doctor about the rash (because bad things always happened when the resident evil spirit was ignored).

At first it had seemed like your run of the mill _curable_ STD but the doctor was baffled when he was unable to cure said STD. According to Sana-rae it was Force induced (“ _Thanks, Valkorion_ ,” the smuggler hissed) but didn’t bother pressing him for a cure right away.

Valkorion always blamed destiny whenever she pressed him about anything.

But she wasn’t an idiot and she refused to believe that rash was Theron’s destiny no matter what the apparition insisted. She assured Theron of this as the agent wailed miserably at his doctor.

Afterwards, traumatized and dazed, Theron turned and left the room without another word.

The smuggler sighed wearily and decided to go look for Koth, who was still missing after he ran out of the cantina shrieking in horror when Senya told him all the things he didn’t want to know about his Emperor.


End file.
